Hello again. Instead of dwelling on the past and contemplating various excuses as to why I have not posted to this space in nearly a year, let’s just relish in the present. As I work to find obtain and maintain my balance and not (as Jackson Browne sings in “The Pretender”) be “caught between the longing for love and the struggle for the legal tender,” I have vowed to be more intentional about improving my relationship with money. I wrote the following letter to express my feelings, and I figure they may resonate with someone else as well.
September 20, 2012
Dearest Legal Tender,
Can I still call you money? What happened to us? Things just haven't been the same since you've been gone. We used to be so tight. Our relationship was so solid and seemed so unshakeable. One day we were holding hands and embracing under the shade trees of the park, and today you are the only one that can make me tick the way you do? What happened to the good ole days? Did you leave because of me? Did I somehow push you away? How is it that the lack of YOUR presence in my life is the only thing that causes me such sorrow?
I know what it is. I think, at some point along the way, you started to feel like I was taking you for granted and undermining your importance in my life. I believe you started to feel under-appreciated. Is that it? While I could sit here and allow my ego and securities to blame you for not saying anything before you just packed your bags and left me, I don't believe that will help my cause or either of us in the end. Your feelings are duly noted and justified. Besides, I would be a fool to not admit my faults.
So, I get it! I see now that I could (and should) have treated you better. I see now what I was afraid and too prideful to admit then, which is that (I think Patti LaBelle said it best), "I love and need and want you baby."
I sincerely apologize for any hurt I may have caused you over the years. I understand now what it means to have to work, beg, borrow, cry, sweat and stress to get you back; and, that's not the life I choose to live. It's just not healthy and doesn't help to (in the very least) sustain my happiness. Not only is it not fair to me, but I certainly see that it's not fair to you either. You already spread yourself thin to care for others, and I don't make things any better by constantly nagging you to come love on me when I haven't even begun to love on you like I now desire.
Needless to say, I've grown. Yes, I still have so much to learn, but I'm definitely better than I used to be. It took me a while to see, but I recognize now that truly loving and appreciating you in my life means redefining my relationship with you. I can't be jealous of your relationship with others. I know now that you loving on others is a part of you loving on me. I can't try to hold on to you too tight, but I can't ignore you either. I can't pass judgment on those that appear to love you differently than I do. I can't continue to blame you when I witness behaviors that aren't in line with my own. I can't lose myself in you and empower you to the point where my happiness is effected (adversely or not) by whether or not you are here. The Floacist said, "Even when I need you, even if you cannot come when I call you, it simply means that I an handle it without you. And I know when next I see you, it'll be just when I need you."
So, what do you say? Can we give this another go, and get it right this time? Can we work WITH each other, and not against (or around) each other? Can we love and trust each other? After all, my yoga teaches me that we ARE each other. (That's intense, right!? I'll let you marinate on that for a minute). Let's heal our disconnect and be an example of authentic love that aims to help others as well as ourselves. We're all in this together.
I'm ready when you are. Call me crazy, but I am gonna be courageous enough to believe that we can balance this out and make our rough places plain. I believe in you and all of your dreams. In other words (specifically the words of my soul brother, Jason Mraz), "I'll leave it in your hands now to come through." Just know that, for you, my hands are forever open...to receive AND give. You inspire, money! ;-)